The Essence of her Presence:
If you were to ask me to describe in one word how I feel about my mom’s passing, it would be “confused.”
Grief has rendered me incapable of writing for the past month. My mind knows she is no longer with us in the present, but my heart hasn’t received the memo. And thus, my heart has signalled my senses to tune in to her as I have done before.
It’s still dark outside, and my ears remain on high alert for any noise emanating from her room. I listen for her voice, waiting in vain for her to call my name. I became accustomed to jumping out of bed to attend to her needs.
The silence is deafening!
My sense of smell is triggered and sharpened because no matter where I go, I smell her essence. I search around me wildly, anticipating that I will see her. Catch a glimpse of her for that smile she used to give — that indicated, “I’m fine.”
Logically, I understand that I am in a grieving phase, but loving someone who has been there my entire life and who now isn’t, is hard.
The essence of her presence is all around me.
Sometimes I want to rush into her room to tell her about my day, and then I remember she’s not there. So I tell someone else, but it’s not the same. That doesn’t imply they don’t matter, just that they aren’t her.
I am trying to make sense of my world without her. I realize though it will never make sense to me. So, I welcome the memories, though painful, and I smile at the photos and talk about the things she did. I validate her existence by remembering her in every way I can.
Some days are good, and I laugh and think of silly things, and as a family, we talk about her. On those days, I feel strong and capable of travelling down a road I’ve never been.
Some days though, I wake up with a heart in pain, my eyes sensitive to the light once I open them and my legs heavily dragging on the floor. On those days, I sob and can barely function.
I believe the pain of losing her will ease, but for now, I acknowledge that the essence of her presence will remain for some time, and while it hurts, there is beauty and love along this path.
I love her!
I miss her!
I’m comforted by the knowledge that my love for her won’t die because she transitioned but will merely change how I love her.