Cougar or Predatory Groomer?

You decide:

As a 13-year-old, I was not only abused when I was younger but a victim of constant sexual suggestions, catcalling and groping by much older men. As an adult, based on my lived experiences, I was aware that one day when I had a daughter, she would need protection from these types of predators and sexual fiends.

My duty as a mom was to protect her!

To become vigilant when men were around, even those who knew her as a baby. I don’t know what switch flips in some men’s minds that the moment a girl hits puberty, their look towards them changes from the loving indulgent uncle to the sleazy sexual predator.

Sadly, as in my case and many others, the girl-child still looks upon the now predator as the loving person they knew when they were younger.

The world we live in is a dangerous one, and we should be aware at all times of the dangers it poses to our children.

As time went by, I gave birth to a beautiful daughter, whom I adored. Finally, I understood how animals felt when their cubs were in danger because the most violent thoughts would go through my head and the various torture methods I would use if someone harmed my daughter.

When she was 4- years old, I gave birth to my son and loved him just as fiercely, but quite honestly, not as protectively. According to society, he was a man already, and the fact that he was independent confirmed my bias toward this big, strong young boy.

I spent my daughter’s pre-teen years watching her have little crushes, giggle with her friends, and experiment with my make-up. It was beautiful, but what wasn’t was the looks she started getting from older men, the propositions and the inappropriate comments even from some teachers.

I had anticipated it, so I was ready to protect her until she could protect herself without stifling her need to explore her world. Her father became very protective, and it was hard for him to accept that the little girl he once loved and who had looked up to him was now finding his behaviour “outdated” and unnecessary. He found it hard seeing her growing up.

Life carried on, and it felt as if I turned my head for a second, and suddenly my son, my little “boy,” was taller than me, with a voice I thought belonged to his dad.

My friends started complimenting him on how handsome he was and how much he had grown. Some of them would jokingly tell him to call them when he was 18. I took this in my stride and would look at him as proudly as I had done at my daughter when she was his age.

Looking back, I realised that some friends started looking at him at age 13 and 14, the way I feared older men looking at my daughter. Suddenly the social talks with some, not all, became sexually suggestive, and my intervention was needed.

My husband thought I was being overprotective because he’s a “man,” and every argument I had was me emphasising that he’s a boy in a man’s body and it is wrong, as with my daughter for women in their late 30s or early 40s to be looking at him as “fresh meat!”

I have lost count of the number of times this happened, and it would seem that every time I dumped the inappropriate friend, another would be waiting in the wings. I used to love that my son’s friends’ moms loved him, but now I was suspicious, and up until he was 15, I never realised how bad this predatory behaviour from older women was.

By this time, I was ready to slap any woman older than 30 who looked at him in that manner. My husband thought it was “normal” because “normal” happened to him, and that’s when I realised just how we as a society have “normalised” this type of behaviour.

I started asking questions about this to my family and some male friends. To my disgust and amazement, I found that all the males I questioned had been through that and had just put it down to their “rite of passage.”

They never or hardly ever complained about having their private parts or butt squeezed by older women, even at the tender age of 12-years. It was viewed and accepted as “normal” and something to brag about to their friends.

How do we as a society defend our girl children from these vile sexual predators but think it’s okay for our boy children to experience the same? Until I had a son, I also thought it was a part of growing up, but it is not. It can’t be because we are talking about boys younger than 16.

If you are one of those women who like younger men, good on you, each to his own, but the emphasis should be on the word men, not boys.

Women, older women who prey on these young boys, should receive the same condemnation as men who do the same. Anything less is a double standard!

I can’t express enough disgust about this because I feel “groomed” by those women who saw nothing wrong with this type of behaviour yet express outrage at the likes of R Kelly etc.

1. A cougar waits until the boy becomes an adult and then propositions him.

2. A groomer propositions the boy before he reaches adulthood.

Do you know the difference?



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Thesna Aston

Thesna Aston


CRT Practitioner, (life requires brave people), Writer @ The Fair Digest, Wellness Coach, Human Rights Activist, Motivating you (There are enough mean people)